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Part of Age by age guidance: why there is no age table
Age by age guidance policy template for families
An age by age guidance policy template for families: one shared agreement, age-specific suggestions for three stages, and prompts for a planned review.
Use this age by age guidance policy template as one shared starting point, with age-specific adjustments, for writing a family agreement, not a contract. Work through it with your child, use their words, and let them cross things out. A child who helps shape the page is more likely to keep it; a document handed over to sign may be forgotten within a week.
Use the page as a prompt, and keep clinical and legal material out of it. For neutral background on teenage development, the National Library of Medicine's MedlinePlus page on adolescent development provides general information. The template's headings are brief, most only one line long. If the finished page needs more than one side, it is too long to remember and use.
If age sets the right starting point
Match the document to your child's age: younger children need shorter, firmer rules about their environment, while older teenagers need fewer rules and more adult commitments. The middle years are usually the point when young people are making real choices and still willing to negotiate them.
- At 8 to 10:Clauses 2, 3, 5, and 9 carry most of the weight. Explain the reasons, even when you do not need to make a rule negotiable; that explanation helps when the rules later cannot remain absolute. Clause 2 could say: The tablet charges in the kitchen overnight, and that goes for the adults too. See this parental controls guide.
- At 11 to 13:This is when the agreement is at its longest and most useful. Clause 11 matters because a visible path to more freedom is an alternative to your child taking it quietly. Clause 4 could say: New apps get mentioned before they are installed, and the answer can be yes.
- At 14 to 17:Cut the page down to four or five lines: something about nighttime, money, clause 8, and clause 9 written large. Enforcing a twelve-year-old's rules on a seventeen-year-old makes the document a fiction everyone maintains politely, weakening your credibility on what still matters. Clause 8 could say: I will not read your messages, and if that ever changes, you will hear it from me first. See this teen social media guide.
Adapting the document by age
Younger child
- Length
- Shorter, absolute
- Focus
- The environment
- Key clauses
- 2, 3, 5 and 9
- Why
- Explanation transfers later
Middle years
- Length
- Longest, most useful
- Focus
- Real decisions
- Key clauses
- Clause 11
- Why
- Visible route to more freedom
Older teenager
- Length
- Four or five lines
- Focus
- Night, money, clauses 8 and 9
- Key clauses
- 8 and 9 written large
- Why
- Old clauses cost credibility
Rule of thumb: Make the page shorter and less absolute as your child grows.
If writing will solve a recurring problem
Writing is optional. It helps most when adults disagree about the rules or the same argument keeps restarting; a household with four understood rules is not doing anything wrong by keeping them informal.
Choose the page when it can make an agreement clearer, not because every family needs a signed document.
Rule of thumb: Put recurring disagreements on paper, not every household rule.
If you can negotiate the terms
Set aside one sitting of about an hour, with the actual devices nearby so settings clauses describe what is really on the devices.
Before you begin, decide which limits cannot move, what you could concede, and what you will agree to do as a parent. That preparation makes the discussion more credible.
- Name the firm limits:Usually one or two, often nighttime and honesty. State them before negotiating. Teenagers respect a limit they know about more than one introduced unexpectedly during the discussion.
- Choose what can change:Decide in advance which points you could give up if your child makes a case. If you have nothing to offer, it is not a negotiation, and your child will respond accordingly.
- Set your own obligations:If no clause limits the adults, the agreement is only a rulebook with a friendlier label. The parent commitments help make the rest believable.
Use the devices while discussing settings rather than relying on memory or assumptions. This is especially useful for clauses about apps, accounts, messaging, comments, tags, and location. The agreement should record what you both saw and decided, not what either of you thought was already enabled.
Rule of thumb: State the fixed limits, name the room to negotiate, and accept obligations yourself.
If you are ready to fill one side
Write the agreement in the child's language and keep it brief enough for one side of paper. The entries below cover the numbered lines in the template. Let your child phrase them, and treat the list as prompts to edit together, rather than instructions to copy unchanged.
Ten headings for the agreement
- 1. Why this exists
- 2. The night
- 3. Where devices live
- 4. What they can install
- 5. Who can reach them
- 6. Money
- 7. Other people
- Why this exists:Use one sentence, preferably one your child supplies. A reason like so we stop arguing about this every night is honest and useful. Avoid wording that sounds like an announcement of distrust.
- The night:Say where devices stay between bedtime and morning, and who follows the rule. Include adults. This clause has a clear benefit and little ideological baggage, so it may be a better use of negotiating room than limits on hours.
- Where devices live at other times:Name two or three particular moments, such as meals, homework, the car, or family activities. A broad principle is harder to apply than a few clear situations.
- What they can install, and how:Agree whether new apps are mentioned, discussed, or simply installed. Record today's answer and when it will next change, since this rule should move as your child gets older.
- Who can reach them:Decide whether accounts are private or public, who may message, comment, or tag them, and whether location is visible. Check actual settings together and write down the decision rather than an assumption.
- Money:State whether purchases need permission and what applies to in-app spending. For older children, add a plain rule never to send money or anything else to a person they know only online.
- Other people:Cover photos of friends and family, group chats, and screenshots. A workable line is ask before posting anything with someone else in it. Adults follow it too, including when posting pictures of the child.
- What I will and will not do:Set out whether you can see accounts, whether you might read messages and under what circumstances, and whether you would tell your child first. Include asking before posting their pictures and whether location sharing is one-way or mutual. Be specific: your child will check this promise against your behavior.
- If something goes wrong:Write the response in full: if you come to me about something that has gone wrong online, you will not lose your phone over it, and you will not be in trouble for whatever led up to it. Then name the safety matters requiring adult involvement: threats, contact from an adult, images, or anyone demanding money. Handle them together, not through confiscation.
- If a rule is broken:Agree on a consequence while everyone is calm. Keep it small, specific, and short. Its purpose is predictability, not severity.
- When this gets looked at again:Set a date, such as a term, birthday, or six months from now, and attach one change that will loosen a rule then.
Copy the table below from this family template and fill it in by hand, leaving space for your child's words.
| # | Heading | What we wrote |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Why this exists | |
| 2 | The night | |
| 3 | Where devices live the rest of the time | |
| 4 | What they can install, and how | |
| 5 | Who can reach them | |
| 6 | Money | |
| 7 | Other people | |
| 8 | What I will and won't do | |
| 9 | If something goes wrong | |
| 10 | If a rule is broken | |
| 11 | When this gets looked at again |
Signed by: ______________________________ Date: ______________
Signed by: ______________________________ Date: ______________
Next review: ______________ What loosens then: ______________________________
Let your child write the clauses if they are willing, and accept wording you find a little annoying. Rules phrased in their own language are rules they can own. If they make a good argument, visibly change the line and explain that you are doing so; a parent who moves once is worth negotiating with.
A rule that survives a real disagreement is stronger than one nobody challenges. Afterward, both of you can sign, put the page somewhere ordinary, and resist using it triumphantly. It is a working document, not evidence against your child.
Rule of thumb: The page should sound like something both of you helped make.
If you need to decide what does not belong
Leave out anything you cannot observe or enforce. A rule nobody can check teaches that rules are decorative; one you will not apply on a difficult Wednesday should not be promised. Under-promise: one rule you always keep is better than four you enforce only when you have the energy.
Leave out vs write instead
Leave out
- Observable
- Anything you can't observe
- Enforceable
- Won't enforce on a bad Wednesday
- Specific
- Be respectful online
- Fair
- Penalties for things not their fault
- Real
- Situations you're imagining
Write instead
- Observable
- Something you can see
- Enforceable
- One rule you always apply
- Specific
- Check before posting about someone
- Fair
- No penalty for what they didn't cause
- Real
- Arguments you actually keep having
Avoid vague virtues. Be respectful online cannot be enforced consistently; don't post about someone without checking with them describes an action. Also leave out consequences for events that are not your child's fault, and situations you are imagining rather than arguments your family is actually having.
Seeing something horrible, being added to a nasty group, or being contacted by a stranger should not bring a penalty. State this directly so the promise in clause 9 is believable. Address the problems that keep happening, rather than building rules around every scenario an adult can imagine.
Rule of thumb: Write rules you can see and keep; do not punish a child for seeking help.
If the review date arrives
Put the date in a calendar when you make the agreement. A review turns it from a verdict into a stage of development, and the scheduled loosening makes that change visible.
Spend about half an hour asking which rules were applied, which were quietly dropped, and what new issue now needs a line.
The half-hour review
- Put the review date in a calendar now
- Which rules were actually applied?
- Which were quietly abandoneddelete or mean them
- Which rule solved a problem they outgrew?
- What appeared this year that nothing covers?
- Loosen something on purpose and say so
Delete rules you stopped applying, or decide to enforce them. Remove a rule that addresses a problem your child has outgrown, and add what has appeared since the agreement was made. A date without a planned change is less useful than a date that already signals which limit will ease.
For example, write: We will go through this again in the first week of the winter break, and the night-time handover moves later from then. Then loosen something deliberately and tell your child that you are doing it. Freedom granted is worth more to both of you than freedom taken.
The change could be moving the handover an hour later, letting one app be installed without asking first, or making location sharing work both ways instead of one. For context, see age-by-age guidance rules and the wider age-by-age guidance. Family agreements addresses negotiation rather than the document, while social media covers the agreement's subject matter.
For a clause about what a service may collect, the Federal Trade Commission provides information on children's online privacy. The rules that apply to your family depend on where you live.
Rule of thumb: Schedule the review and attach a specific loosening before anyone signs.
If your child crosses out half the page
Treat the crossings-out as a useful part of making an agreement. A clause they argued down is more likely to be kept than one they accepted without comment. If a point changes during discussion, make the revision visible so your child can see that you listened and moved.
Rule of thumb: A crossed-out line can be evidence of participation, not failure.
If your child will not take part
Write two or three lines that bind you as the parent, show them to your child, and leave the page there. The adult commitments are what make the other rules credible, and those promises do not need your child's signature to matter.
Rule of thumb: Start with the promises you can make, even without a signature.
If you are unsure whether paper is still useful
A written agreement is usually out of date after about a year, and often sooner after a new device or a new school. The review date does much of the template's work, so put a date on the page before anyone signs and return to it when that point arrives.
Rule of thumb: Revisit the page at least when the year, device, or school changes.
