Costs
Part of Self-esteem and body image shift when a phone replaces the mirror
Do self-esteem and body image house rules bind the kids, or the adults?
Self-esteem and body image house rules mostly bind the adults, so here are six worth keeping, five worth refusing, and a review that asks what adults broke.
A teenager can usually spot a household standard that is only for them. The useful test runs the other way: most rules written about this subject are aimed at the young person, yet almost all available effect sits with adults. Keep six household rules, refuse five, and review adult conduct twice a year.
Do the rules change as my child gets older?
Yes. The six rules can stay almost unchanged from about age ten through about age eighteen, which is unusual. What shifts is who holds them and how they are enforced; adults hand over responsibility gradually, with the change made explicit rather than replacing the rules as the child grows.
Who holds the rule by age
About 10 to 12
- Who holds it
- Adults hold all
- What adult does
- State once, keep it
- Explanation owed
- None
About 13 to 15
- Who holds it
- Shared
- What adult does
- Let them audit you
- Explanation owed
- Agree when right
About 16 to 18
- Who holds it
- Theirs, unpoliced
- What adult does
- One remark, once
- Explanation owed
- About feed attention
Who holds the rule
- About 10 to 12
- Adults hold all of it
- About 13 to 15
- Shared, and they audit you
- About 16 to 18
- Theirs, unpoliced
What the adult does
- About 10 to 12
- State the rule once, keep it yourself, no explanation owed
- About 13 to 15
- Let them catch you breaking it, and agree when they are right
- About 16 to 18
- One remark, once, about how a feed responds to attention
The middle period is a deliberate test: let your teen catch a breach, and agree when they are right. They will audit you enthusiastically and accurately; a rule that withstands that review is worth more than one you defend. Age-by-age guidance explains the wider handover, while screen-time habits addresses pattern changes in later teens without a war.
What are the six house rules we should keep?
The six rules govern how adults speak about bodies and food, what they praise, and how they respond when a young person tells them something. They bind every adult in the household too; they do not depend on inspecting a teenager's private accounts.
Six rules worth keeping
- Nobody narrates their own body out loud
- Food is not moral
- No remarks when someone enters a room
- No appraising others at the table
- Praise attaches to what someone did
- Telling us something costs nothing
- Nobody narrates their own body out loud.That includes complaints, jokes, and diet updates, and it applies to every adult in the house.
- Food is not moral.Nothing is earned or deserved, and nobody is good or bad for eating. There is dinner and what someone feels like eating. If the household changes how it eats, state the reason and leave bodies out of it.
- Do not remark on anyone's appearance when they enter a room.This includes favorable remarks and comments about adults. Kind and unkind versions teach the same lesson: appearance is being watched and scored.
- Do not appraise other people at the table.That means strangers on television, people at school, and relatives. A young person who hears adults rank a stranger may later apply that ranking to themselves.
- Praise what someone did.Recognize effort, judgment, and continuing with something hard. Those qualities transfer to situations you will never see; appearance does not.
- Telling us something costs nothing.If an account makes them feel bad, it does not disappear from their phone by Friday. If they say something about their body, do not answer with a campaign.
The first rule has unusually high value because it removes the example that everything else must compete with. A mirror never fed a child a hundred ranked images before breakfast, and self-esteem and body image explains why that difference matters at home.
This disclosure rule determines whether a young person tells you anything at all. In practice, household clauses last when nobody has to enforce them, as four years of family agreement case studies show. Making disclosure safe therefore protects the information parents need to know what is going on.
Which rules should we refuse to make?
Refuse rules that seem like simple fixes but create a different problem. Five examples are a ban on a particular account, restrictions on personal posts, weight or size requirements, appearance-based sport, and rules that single out one child.
Five rules worth refusing
- Ban on a specific app or account
- Rule about what they may post
- Any rule with weight or size in it
- Mandatory sport for appearance reasons
- A rule that applies to one child only
- A ban on a particular app or account can produce another one you do not know about, and make disclosure lead to a loss.
- A rule about what a young person may post about themselves cannot be enforced without reading their accounts. Enforcing it also costs you the channel.
- Do not make a rule about weight or size in either direction. If weight worries you, take the concern to a doctor rather than turning it into a household rule.
- Do not require sport for appearance-related reasons. Activity is worth doing on its own terms, as the National Library of Medicine's general page on physical activity for young people frames it.
- Do not make a rule that applies to only one child. That is a comparison with a rule wrapped around it.
How do we know whether adults are following the rules?
Twice a year, ask which of these rules an adult broke during the previous month. That is the honest measure because nearly all six are adult rules; keeping four of six is doing well, and openly naming the two that slipped does more good than quietly correcting them.
The twice-yearly review
- Ask which rule an adult broke this month
- Name the slipped rules in front of your child
- Drop rules written for a stage they left
- Say out loud that you are dropping it
If a rule was made for a stage the young person has left, remove it and say plainly that it is going. Family agreements addresses keeping the page short enough to make dropping a rule possible, rather than allowing outdated wording to linger.
When should I get help beyond the household?
Some situations call for help beyond household rules: secretive food or exercise, a worrying weight change, fixed contempt about oneself, or any mention of not wanting to be here or self-harm.
Take that last category seriously at the first mention, arrange medical help that day, and stay with the young person.
- Food or exercise has become secretive, or cannot be discussed at all.
- A change in weight, in either direction, worries you.
- There is fixed contempt in how they talk about themselves, whatever anyone says.
- They mention not wanting to be here or hurting themselves. Take it seriously the first time, get medical help the same day, and stay with them.
Speak to a family doctor or the school without waiting until you are certain. Describe what changed and when; that is what they need from you. The National Institute of Mental Health has a general, non-clinical page on eating disorders. If a child may be in immediate danger, contact emergency services first.
When no house rule covers it
Is food, exercise or weight secretive or worrying?
Speak to a family doctor or school without waiting
Keep the house rules and review twice a year
If other young people are using appearance as an instrument against your child, the problem and the route are different from a household rule. Cyberbullying is the relevant issue in that situation, so rewriting family standards is not the way to address the peer problem.
Are these rules too restrictive for adults?
Yes, and that is the point. A rule that costs a parent something is the only kind a teenager believes. The adult habits are where most of the effect in this subject actually sits, rather than in rules directed only at young people.
What if one adult at home will not follow them?
Then the household has a smaller effect, but it is honest, which is still better than a stated rule with a visible exception. Say the exception out loud rather than pretending it is not there; acknowledging what adults actually do is preferable to claiming everyone follows the rule.
My child says the no-compliments rule is weird. What should I say?
They are partly right: replace appearance-based compliments with comments on what they did, rather than saying nothing. Mention effort, judgment, or persistence instead. Nobody notices the substitution after a fortnight, and the praise stays attached to actions rather than appearance.
Do we need to write these rules down?
No. A document is optional, although a short page can help when adults disagree. The review question matters more than paperwork: ask which rules the adults broke during the last month. If a rule no longer fits the child's stage, remove it and say so.
These rules are choices for a household, not medical advice, and they state no clinical criteria. Speak with a qualified professional about your own child. If they are in immediate danger, contact emergency services.
What should I do first?
Start with adult behaviour, not a demand aimed at the teenager: choose the six keeper rules, make clear that disclosure carries no penalty, and agree to review adult breaches twice a year. If warning signs appear, speak to a family doctor or the school without waiting for certainty.
- Tell your child that the adults will follow the six rules too, starting with their own comments about bodies, food, and appearance.
- Make disclosure cost nothing; do not ban an account or punish a young person for telling you something.
- Set a twice-yearly review and ask which rule an adult broke in the previous month.
